ltl_miss (ltl_miss) wrote in donewithmen,

breakups and the holidays

so.... this christmas I am single. it's been a long year full of laughter and tears.... tears while recovering from the breakup... and laughter while remembering just how fun it is to be me (not an "us" but a "me"). my friends have been truely awesome. and when it comes down to it, i feel ok being single.

but.... he has moved on. and curtousey of myspace, i see that his new (fat average looking) girlfriend, says the "l" word to him. and sadly, i have even gone as far as to look at her page, to see if he is reciprocating the l-bomb... thus far he hasn't written anything back (it's been about 1 month). not sure what you can really tel from myspace-stalking (ughhhh, such a bad, bad thing). but, despite the fact that i haven't seen him reciprocate via myspace, i am sure that he is at least relativly happy with this little troll of a girl.

though, i truelly am "ok" (at times even really happy) apart from him, it still bugs the hell out of me that only a couple months after we parted ways, he found a new girlfriend, and seems to be happy. this from the person that once wanted to marry me (had told his family, picked out rings/ venues/ dates).... i realize that because of time (he lives too far away, and we both lead really busy lives), this point in life, just isn't "our" time. But how could he just move on like that????

this is the question that sits in the back of my head... as the months have passed it has gone from a constant nagging thought, to a dull fading irritation. but nonetheless it is still there. it still pops up here and there.

why, why, why?

my poor friends have heard me lament over this topic so many times that i just can't bear to subject them to it any longer. because when it comes down to it, no amount of analyzing, wondering, and asking "what if's" will ever make it clear. only he knows what happened. or, perhaps, he himself doesn't even know the answer.... more than likely, not. for him he lives in the moment... hates to deal with negative feelings (a few months back when he found out that his dad had a week to live, he decided to go to work, rather than visit with him... one day later his dad passed away, and he never even got to say goodbye... this is "him" in a nutshell...)... so expecting him to have a grasp on what happened between him and i, is simply crazy. who knows.

what i do know is that time has made it somewhat better. "out of sight" sadly does not mean out of mind, for he is still there (in mind). but it is a bit easier....

easier, until today, when i decided (for whatever ill-thought out reason) that i should send him a "merry xmas" text. at the time it seemed like a good idea, and i just did it. but after hearing his response (happy holidays... got to be politically correct), followed by "how are you?" to which i had the obligatory "and u?" text, i am simply feeling a bit un-festive. now i am just in a funk...

i WAS feeling good. doing my last-minute shopping. getting ready to go to church. feeling the holiday spirit. but now, now i just want to take a nap. forget all of the holiday joy, just hybernate in my bed.

why did i do this self-inflicted funk to myself????? i should be happy. life is good- i have everything to be thankful for (good job, great family, awesome friends, done with school, paid off student loans, healthy).... but still there is that one area that is just not 100% fullfilled.... that one area where i am left to wonder. where i am completly at someone elses mercy.... helpless... there is nothing that i can do to change the situation (or his heart), and that simply sucks.

perhaps that is why i sent the text.... not so much because i miss my bestfriend (as i do- so badly), not even so much because i want him to have a happy holiday (because truth be told, i am still hurt, and would be perfectly happy if he felt the same as me). really, i sent the text so that i could prove something.... like i am not really hurt... hurt that he's moved on, hurt that he had no time for me in his life, but somehow has time for her (though the circumstances are completly differnt- i live 2 hours away, and work a complelty different schedule than him... she, lives in the same town and works at the same job).... i guess i am really just hurt that he is with her. i thought he loved me. how could he move on? it makes no sence. but i don't want him to think that i am hiding out, stuck on that.... so that is why isent the text.

but, i guess that with that, i need to hold to it, and NOT let it get to me. not hybernate (as i would like to). he already has a spot in my mind (a spot that he simply does not deserve, but i nevertheless continues to occupy), no need to give him more of my time/effort/thoughts.....

ok, i am off to wrap gifts. clean. and then go to church. enough thoughts of him,.....
Tags: breakups, heart, holidays, love, myspace, relationships, texts
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